Hi. Long Time No Talk….

I find myself coming back here when I need an outlet. When I have absorbed too much and feel the excess weight carried around physically and mentally - it must be dispersed. This is a safe place for me. A place of creativity, self expression, encouragement, and growth.

This last week has been a week of grief - a feeling I know very well. Even with the experience I have in the topic - it hurts differently this time. I lost you - my person, partner, first love, and best friend.

I have been meaning to come here to talk about the happiness you have recently brought into my life - but l have become accustomed to writing here when I felt pain. I can’t put a finger on it - was I too busy living life with you to revisit this place or was writing about happiness a foreign concept to me? Some food for thought, but I am here to open up on a night I feel is right.

I was ready to face the world with you, build mountains with you, become a force of nature with you. You were my coworker first, a friendship quickly blossomed, and we discovered a foundation for our love to build on. I always felt in my heart, the right one would never be from the Central Coast. My heart yearned for adventure, a breath of fresh air, and someone that didn’t have the same hometown story as the rest of us locals. And then Mr. Wright ( you know I love the play on words here) from North Carolina appeared.

I have southern roots as my Mother is from Georgia and my Grandparents live in South Carolina, as well as other family members in North Carolina. How did I stumble across Mr. Right, a handsome Southern rooted man in my dingy hotel office? My answer would be, fate.

Fate led me on quite an adventurous time. Driving up Highway 1 through Big Sur to Monterey, to snow skiing in Wyoming, meeting your family in North Carolina, & road-tripping through Utah putting our stamp in all 5 National Parks. There was never a dull moment with you - we told each other we loved each other for the first time in Wyoming and I never felt so at peace and ease with a decision in my life.

You made sense - your timing, shared passions, you lit my soul on fire, and you reminded me so much of my dad which was a sign I had been subconsciously searching for all along - you love nature, you put safety first including my own, you prioritize travel, you are goofy and loving, always prepared for anything, the best handy man, and you even cracked my toes.

HEAR ME OUT

I know it sounds weird, but as a child my dad would pull & crack my toes after getting out of the bath. One night on your own - you grabbed my fricken toes and cracked them for the first time since I was a kid…. I’ll never forget it.

I learned through my dating trials not to bring up the topic of my dad. It was hard to talk about and no one ever knows the right thing to say. So in order to save others face & my own - I avoided it. After a few weeks of dating we both stared at the beautiful full moon. I told you how much my dad loves the moon (it truly fascinates him) and you cautiously let me know that through my blog and social media, you knew about his disease. You created a safe place for me to share and open up and relief exploded out of me like a shaken soda can. I will always appreciate the moon, as it brought me closer to you.

2020 is a year that brought many trials and tribulations as well as a new appreciation for the simpler things in life. Covid struck hard & fast - & my immediate thought was how would it affect you and I? I was furloughed first, and you were laid off 2 weeks later. Being brand new in California, lacking presence of friends and family, with 6 months left to go with an expensive lease, and a new relationship, my heart felt for you. I had hoped with all my soul this would make us stronger and I tried to spin it as being grateful for this happening sooner than later in our relationship. We would learn, communicate, and grow through this time only coming out on top - stronger & better than ever.

We all know these times were difficult for the strongest relationships, let alone one only 6 months old. My positive outlook may have been a good head space, but it was far from realistic.

The road trip was one for the books. A trip of a lifetime. And the best 5 days of inner growth, happiness, and love I have ever felt. Thank you for pushing me and taking me on a trip my dad had only hoped and dreamed to walk alongside me on. He would have been proud, as I was proud.

We talked about our future often - I found a new job fairly soon, and helped you on your search for connections and networking around here. I supported and loved you the best way I knew how, but the question marks were daunting ones. What career path would you take? What job would you find? Where would you live? What would become of us? I can only assume, as you tend to internalize and always protrude strength and optimism, that it simply became too hard.

The morning we woke up together one last time, I looked over at you and felt an immense amount of warmth and gratitude for you - this was it, I was in love. I kissed you, held you, and felt something so simple yet so filling - happiness. But that same morning, you were feeling different. You had been struggling, and it led to our ending.

I have yet to obtain tangible answers or reasoning - but I think you were searching for answers to the same questions as I had. For you the answer was - you fell out of love. Holding you, breathing you in, my nails slightly pressing into your arm, quickly processing this would be the last time I would be allowed to love you in this way - I said goodbye. I relive it over and over in my head.

Empty and discouraged, I watched you walk away.

A chapter closed, a lesson learned, many tears shed. A story we all know well, a story of heartbreak. Through my tears and despair, I wondered - how has anyone lived to tell the tale of heartbreak? The short answer - survival. We just do - and it’s liberating as hell, to know that you are stronger than your feelings. It’s uplifting, encouraging, and healing to know that IT WILL BE OKAY.

I thank you for loving me for me and teaching me the greatest lesson of all, a lesson that can also be found in my favorite movie of all time, Moulin Rouge:

“The greatest lesson you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return”

XOXO

Jamie Rae